What is the Lord doing here?

Today on my way home from weighing in I got a phone call. I looked down and it was my beloved! What a shock! I was so excited to see his name light up on the phone. That quickly turned to sadness as I heard a broken man on the other side of the phone. I thought it was a little weird that he was calling but I listened. I listened as he told me that he was medically discharged today for his anxiety. I was a little confused because he told me just yesterday that they okayed him, even though they knew he had anxiety. He was so lost and so confused. My heart broke for him as I listened to his voice on the phone. All I thought was, what are you doing Lord? What is going on here? We thought this was your plan for us? Those questions quickly turned as I listened to Tim. All I know is that I was calm and understanding. I was at peace because I knew that God was in control. As I sat in the Subway parking lot for an hour I just grew more confident in God's sovereignty. I do not know what he is doing but I know this is not an easy one. I know this is going to be a hard road of recovery. My poor man. My heart breaks because his does, but I am not upset with the outcome. It seemed like what we wanted to do but it seems it is not in the cards for us. What are we going to do, I am not sure. I do know, however, that God is in control and he is working. The verses I studied this morning are totally worth taking another look at right now, little did I know this morning that the verses will be used for a different trial.

In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence 13 I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are for your glory." Ephesians 3:12-13

what a day already...and I am just getting started.

Woke up early this morning alive and content. Determination is going to be my middle name for the next ten weeks. As some of you know I have started to really try to cut down on the weight I have gained over these past couple of years. I have started a workout routine where I work out Monday- Friday and rest on Saturday and Sunday. I go to spin class mwf at 6am and th @ 545p. I am also starting group power on t & th at 5:30a. I missed working out like this and even though it is hard I have been determined to get back in the shape I was in a few years ago. I told Tim that I would work my hardest to lose 10lbs while he was gone. I am confident in my ability to do this, considering I lose weight pretty quickly. Spinning has been really intense but I give all I can and push as hard as I can, thinking of Tim keeps me motivated. The time also keeps me motivated. I know when I walk in that class at 545--they can only put me through torture until 645. I am really excited about it. I dont know why I ever really got out of it, considering I love to work out. Tim starts basic today and I pray he is doing well. I know he can do it. The Lord has been good to me again. During my quiet time today I came across the perfect verse for what we are going through: "In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory." Ephesians 3:12-13. That was the best verse I have come across in a really long time. I think of the father, open arms, ready for me to just jump up and tell him all that I am going through. He does not limit us to anything when we are coming to him. He is such a loving, merciful, and comforting God. The freedom in that. The freedom to come to a God who not only already knows our hurts, dreams, sins, but he welcomes us in, in full love. A love I cannot truly comprehend but I know it is there. He is so gracious. I pray today is a good day. Momma left for a much needed women's retreat today, so I will have the kids. It should be a good weekend. I miss my Tim but I know he is being taken care of by the father, and for that I am greatful and in love.

The Silence Begins...

I got my last call from my beloved tonight. I know it is the last call because they ship out to the actual Basic headquarters tomorrow. He is in good spirits other than getting choked up every once and a while. He got a new glove! Thank the Lord, he is so good. He sent me a text about 10 mins ago and said his phone was about to die...no response after....literally silence. I just have to make it through 4 weeks and then hopefully I can hear that sweet voice again. It is sad but also exciting that the journey is already beginning and he will be home soon enough. He apparently is in a platoon of a bunch of immature kids and he is pretty upset by that. He said today 2 guys mouthed off to a drill sargeant...not a good move for the guys or their platoons. I wish people would drop their pride and remember other people. That is the way the world is though and it is sad. I am so calmed by the peace the Lord has given me...even now during the silence. It is a beautiful kind of peace. Something that I could not give to myself. It is a wonderful gift. He told me he has been too busy to write but he has gotten up everyday to have a quiet time before. That thrilled my heart and I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for his reliance on Christ. He is supposed to ship out at 3am tomorrow to go to the basic headquarters and he said he was going to get in the word before, so I know he is tired. The Lord will give him the energy he needs though. I am confident in that. I love him so dearly and I cannot wait to be is wife. It seems like the days will not come soon enough, and yet I am thankful for this time of growth ,so I can be the wife I need to be and he can be the husband he needs to be. Growth in this process is so crucial. God's timing is beautiful and I wouldn't change what he was doing for the world.

1:35 am

Today is a good day. I was given the chance to talk to my beloved last night for 8 mins & 24 seconds. He was just allowed to call and tell me he was doing ok, he loved me, and that he needed me to take care of a few things for him and pray for his missing glove. After that phone call I finally got some rest. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and when I looked at my phone I had a missed call from him and a missed text. I was devistated. I was told last night was his last phone call. I guess while in processing they do not know when their last phone call is until Monday when they get taken away. I was so upset when I saw that I missed his call. I tried to call back, but I knew I would not get him, he had already been processing for at least an hour. I am praying for another call tonight. They are so comforting. He was pretty upset about this glove that he was issued and is missing. He asked me to pray for that because he was going to get yelled at because it is missing. It is sad and quite humerous. He did not ask for any prayer but for that glove. I know he is hurting though, just like me. The text I got broke my heart and I wish I could go back in time and be awake when he was to comfort him in that time. It is sweet to know that even though I cannot, someone is, my God. I can only pray for his peace, protection, and contentment in this time, he cannot find comfort in me. I cannot take the hurt away, not from him or me, but God can provide comfort to make it through. That is a sobering thought. I feel I am doing well today. I had a really hard time yesterday when I got off work. I realized it would be the first time going to Curtis without my beloved and I couldnt stand it. I ate in my office, what I had an apple and oatmeal, because I did not want to eat alone. It is silly how something like that can make your whole world crumble. My world shattered yesterday. I finally got the courage to move and I headed to church. I sat in the parking lot for quite a while before I could get the strength to go in. I finally got out of my car and made my way straight for Pastor Bill's office. I did not pass go, I did not collect 200 dollars, I just had a mission- to make it to his office without crying. I did that and when I finally got there and I saw him I lost it. I am so overjoyed by their friendship. They sat with me all last night and just talked to me about anything but what Tim is going through...well a little about that...but they just laughed with me. It felt good to laugh. It was the best thing anyone could do for me. I have such a special place in my heart for that family and Tim does as well. The Lord has been so gracious in providing them. The Lord has been so comforting and that is so sweet. I am so glad that I have a God that already knows my thoughts, my pain, everything, and is guiding me through it. No one could do that for me, not even Tim, just my Lord. I am so glad I have a God that loves me so! I pray for Tim's strength and comfort in this time. I pray that he clings to the cross no matter what and loves the Lord regardless of the circumstance. I love my Timothy and I cannot wait to marry him. Come February 4th it will be 7 months away! AH! I cannot wait.

Sweet Sadness but total contentment

Well, I am back to blogging. This past week I have been preparing for Tim's departure, which was this past Monday. I am still trying to cope and I have learned two things; 1) that I now hate my phone and 2) that I now hate the clock. The two of those I can do without these next ten weeks. I surprisingly do not hate the calendar...seeing the things I have upcoming and how busy I am gets me excited. It makes me happy knowing that I will not have too much time on my hands to be sad and mopey. I am comforted however in knowing Tim is doing the Lords will and that he is confident in that. I am also confident in that. This time is going to be such a hard and sweet time waiting and clinging to Christ. That is a sweet kind of sadness. I hate the silence. That is hard. On a lighter note, I am excited for the bridesmaid dinner next weekend! I have posted a picture of the card I sent to all of my vip ladies. I think planning for that and getting ready for that next week will be something to pass the time. I am super excited about it. I really hope it is a wonderful time for the ladies as well as myself. I am sad that my Jen will not be able to make it...but that is ok. She will be missed. The colors for the dinner are orange and fuscia... totally not like the colors for our wedding. I just wanted to do something funky this time. I also have been working out really hard to drop some of this weight. Since Tim will be working and struggling so hard at Basic, I promised him that I would try my best to drop 10lbs while he is gone. I am excited about that goal because it keeps me determined and benefits me in the long run. My favorite new exercise routine is Spinning! It is the hardest but most fun I have ever had working out. Debating on going to cycling tonight or Kickboxing. I also started a new Bible study called "making peace with your past." It looks like a really good one and I am excited already. I have only done one lesson and I will do the second today, but it already looks like a good one. I am so excited for what the Lord is doing in my life. He has been so comforting these past two days and for that I am so thankful. He has given me the strength I did not have and I am so grateful. Wedding planning is still a go...just a slow go. Come Friday I will have the damage deposit paid for the reception so that will be completely taken care of! I also cannot wait for the girls to finally get their dresses next week! whoop whoop! That will further the process along. Catering payments are starting so that will be my main focus for the next couple of months. AHH!

I cannot belive it has been 5 months...

Sometimes it feels like this wedding will never get here and then there are times when I sit back and think...WOW it has been 5 months since wedding planning has started. With almost 7 months to go I get a reality check to see how fast time really can fly, even when it is dragging. Quite the contradiction. I am quite proud though, in this short time, the church has been paid off, the reception has been paid off, the dress, shoes and undergarmets have been paid off, catering is in the works. Very exciting. I love to have things paid off early... I do not want to have that added stress on my wedding day. It has been really good planning for my bridesmaid dinner on Feb. 6th, it keeps my mind off of Tim's future absence for almost 3 months. I know it is early, but we have to go ahead and get a dress for them that we can all agree on. Why not just do it all in one day rather than getting people to travel back multiple weekends. I am still trying to figure out what people spend so much money on when planning for a wedding. It is mind blowing and to me it is also foolish. Why go spend 15,000-20,000 on ONE day when you could spend less than 5,000 a celebration that is just as elegant and does not have the added bonus of debt? Different things for different people I guess.